So I've signed up for this nutrition and weight loss workshop. Not because I particularly think I need or want to lose any more than a stone in weight, but because my current eating habits would easily secure me the title of Most Disdained by Jamie Oliver and Gillian McKeith.

Or, equally, Most Beloved by Mancunian Curry-House Owners and Gu.

Or, indeed, Most Hog-like Person Ever.

Of course, I was prepared for certain things.

I was prepared for the fact that I would probably attend the class with the best of intentions, but would likely fall at the first hurdle open-mouthed into a vat of takeaway curry.

(check)

I was prepared for the fact that I would never end up taking the recommended advice of cutting down on alcohol to three glasses of wine per WEEK?? How on earth would that keep my liver pickled and thus suitably preserved for a longer life? Ahem...

(check)

I was also prepared for the fact that I would hear a lot that is common sense and that I already know, but just lack the willpower, or organisational skills, or desire to implement - such as the importance of five-a-day fruit and veg, avoid pork because it's high in saturated fat, perhaps I should cancel that subscription to Hotel Chocolat, etc.

(check)

What I wasn't prepared for was the attitude of the five other people who were attending the workshop, towards me. Which was, quite frankly, Hate.

At present, I generally eat one meal a day. One mahooooosive evening meal, which I often eat in two settings with a half-time break in-between, because I'm so bloody bored starving. During the day I usually skip meals, because I don't want to spend the time required to make them, and have instead adopted the "little but often" approach to eating - also known as "constantly stuffing face with chocolate and cheese".

So yes, I'm unhealthy. And yes, I'm starting to put on more weight. And no, I don't think I'm fat - but I think a wee lifestyle change may be in order and I don't see the harm in going to a workshop that teaches you about nutrition.

But. Try to explain this to a group of people who desperately want to lose weight and have tried Weight Watchers and the F Plan and acupuncture and the Only Eat Air For A Year diet  although, interestingly, none of them go to the bloody gym, or do any exercise whatsoever and you will not meet with a squillionth of an milli-ounce of sympathy.
 
The first woman was against me from the start. I cleverly picked up on this when she raked a glare over me in the manner of a sadistic gardener with a particularly virulent hatred of slugs and said "Oh God, I hate it when people like you turn up. Do you know how it makes people like me feel? What are you, size eight?"

"Erm, no. Actually I'm around size 14."

"Ohhhh, size FORRR-TEEEEEEN! God, you're practically obEEEEEse!"

"Erm... okay. Well, I'm not really here to lose weight, just to pick up some tips on nutrition. I eat really unhealthily."

"Oh God, even WORSE. I bet you eat like a bloody HORSE, don't you? I can't STAND people like you."

At this point I think I had the other four participants on side, who were all shooting me glances of sympathy . But about half-way through the session we were asked to compare breakfasts.

"Porridge with semi-skimmed milk and a half spoon of sugar. I can't give up the sugar yet, although I am trying!"

"A protein shake and three crispbreads."

"A tub of low-fat yoghurt and a banana. And a glass of orange juice."

"A chocolate croissant that I grabbed from the Spar on the way in to work. Actually, no, I had two of them. And a cup of tea. Normal tea. With milk."

"A small bowl of muesli with semi-skimmed milk and a cup of green tea."

I'll leave you to guess which of the above was my response. And to imagine the speed at which the glances of sympathy turned to invisible poisoned darts of utter putridity.

By the end of the session I felt like a student of political philosophy who had schooled at Eton and had unwittingly stumbled into a Moss Side pub and requested a jeroboam of Veuve Clicquot and a glarrrss of Pimms.

Still. I have a solution - and a fine one it is too.

Comfort eating.

*hunts for curry menu while munching on half-kilo of cheddar*