So this afternoon is to be taken up with the annual office cringe-fest that is the team-building exercise.

This starts with lunch, which for me is the one pinprick of light in a murky time slot of deepest, darkest, sludgy, hellish despair.

The rest of the afternoon will be taken up with "a team-building surprise". Which, rumour has it it, is going to be some kind of treasure hunt.

Oh joy.

This will doubtless entail us being split into teams with people who we barely know and don't want to, trekking around a cold and (surprise surprise) drizzly Manchester for hours on end looking for a post-it note stuck to the back of a telephone box. Or something.

My plan is, therefore, as follows:

  • Eat as much as possible at the free lunch.
  • Eat as slowly as possible at the free lunch, in order to put off the dreaded commencement of torturously unsuccessful bonding thinly disguised as "entertainment".
  • Over the free lunch, attempt to suss out who is going to be in my team and keep topping up their wine glasses, in the hope that they will agree to accompany me to the pub for the rest of the afternoon. I am an invalid with a sore back, after all, in constant desperate need of relief via pints of Guinness and whisky chasers proven painkillers.
  • Sulk for the rest of the afternoon, because my cunning plan over lunch failed miserably, and I now realise I would have been better off sneaking the extra wine for myself instead of wasting it on these weirdos who are now claiming they couldn't possibly drink any more at this time of the day and perhaps a brisk walk around town is just what is required to sober up. And besides, it might even be fun!!!
  • Grrrrrrr.
  • Return home, sopping wet and steaming with frustration at the complete waste of time the afternoon has been.
  • Write pissed off blog.