Picture a big round table surrounded by the NHS's astoundingly stupid, over-paid dickheads highly esteemed management bigwigs, all with furrowed brows as they furiously think outside of the box.

Mr Big Shot *bellows*: "So. We need to make sure that the NHS keeps people alive. How can we do that?"

Lackey 1 *offers timidly*: "Er, Invest more money?"

Mr Big Shot: "Ok. The Government has just stuck an extra pointless 'green tax' on flights, even though the extra money gained won't actually go towards funding any environmental projects, plus it's going to make sod-all difference to whether people fly or not, except just make sure it costs that little bit more, so they might be able to spare us some cash, if we come up with a really good scheme. But, which hospitals should get the money?"

Lackey 1 *enthusiastically*: "How about those hospitals that are struggling? Some are reporting higher death rates and levels of infection than others. Perhaps we should investigate those hospitals: speak to the staff, find out what the problems are, and see if any further investment is likely to help.

"For example, they might need more staff, or better equipment. They may be in a problem area, and require more support in dealing with re-occurring cases. Or they may need an improved management structure, where managers actually encourage constructive feedback from those who do the day-to-day work 'on the floor'; those who may, given the right respect and encouragement, be willing and able to offer practical solutions to many of the basic problems that the NHS is facing."

Mr Big Shot *mumbles doubtfully*: "Hm, maybe... Does anyone else have any suggestions?"

Lackey 2 *contemptuously* : "Investing money where it's needed? That's a bit old-school, wouldn't you say?

"How about giving it to those hospitals who don't seem to need it as much, and are already coping a lot better?

"After all, if a hospital is demonstrating high death rates, that probably just means that they don't care and can't be arsed to work hard enough. Offer cash incentives for keeping people alive and they'll soon start knuckling down to work.

"It's not as though anyone is likely to be working for the NHS, in these under-highly-paid, stressful-free environments through altruistic motivations. No: they're just like us everyone else and just want the dough."

Mr Big Shot *triumphantly*: "Cracking idea! Well done chaps.

"And now that's sorted, it's on to the really important decision: where are we going for our all-expenses-paid-caviar-and-champers banquet lunch?"

Seriously. This is ridiculous.

HOSPITALS are to be given cash bonuses - for keeping people alive.

Regional health bosses are planning to try out a US system of rewarding trusts which have low death rates, levels of infection and readmissions.

It will be piloted in part of the north west from October and all the region's hospitals from next April.

MEN, today